You say tomato...

and I say tomato. Hmmm. That's not such a good play on words when you write it down. For anyone who may have noticed that my last entry was a little subdued you should note that I just found out my parents read this blog, so was afraid of saying things like fuck, cunt and arsehole, although I'm over that now. In fact... FUCKYCUNTINGARSEHOLE!! Actually, it's just occurred to me that swearing is another luxury enjoyed by adults of all walks of like and denied to their offspring, until they are paying rent.
Anyway, this one will be a movie review as it's the only thing to do in Changers when it rains, and it's always fucking raining. So there'll be some new releases as well as some dvd's from a while ago that I've only bothered my arse to watch now. Or a 'retro' segment as it's known in the trade. So in no particular order...

Pirates of the Caribbean
I cant see what all the bad vibes are for. It's an action movie about pirates for fuck's sake. What did you expect? Not the best of the three, I'll grant you but Johnny Depp still melts my heart, and Jeffery Rush gives another stellar performance. Not to mention it's got Keef Richards from the Stones in it, and perhaps most importantly, pirates aaar cool!

Rocky Balboa
Well if you liked the first movie a bit, the second one a lot, the third one even more, the fourth one not as much as the second and the fifth one kind of hard to get into because it's not the big man doing the fighting, well you're going to like this one exactly the same amount as you liked the first one cause its basically the same story. Rocky mopes about for a while, decides to fight, everyone tells him no, cut to soul searching montage, then he realises he has to get in shape, cut to training montage, then he wins everyone back in a 'please forgive me, I'm just a simple man with a dream to follow' montage complete with speech and finally 9, 3 minute rounds of boxing, condensed into 4 minutes, followed by 1, final 3 minute round, stretched out over 12 and a half minutes. And I fucking loved every minute of it.

Spiderman 3
Meh.

Pathfinder
In keeping with the government warning schemes, this movie may well carry the Caveat;
Caution: This may be the shittest movie ever. Indeed this may well be the worst idea ever converted to celluloid.
Contrary to the title, the film meanders rather unskillfully through a series of ill-conceived plot hooks, like a German panzer through a Ukrainian farm, circa 1942. After only an hour or two of toothache like agony we come thundering towards a monumental anti-climax that leaves one feeling like a man leaving a 'happy finish' massage parlour staffed entirely by fat mama-sans. For those that don't know it's being just a little disgusted with your self for not getting up and leaving sooner. Not to mention wondering why you didn't stay at home and have a wank instead.
Right, on to the Dvd's...

The Last Samurai
Or should I say Dances With Wolves II: Dances With Samurai. Although Dances With Wolves should have been called A Man Called Horse II: A Man Called Dances With Wolves. So I guess The Last Samurai should have been called, A Man Called Horse III: A Man Called Dances With Samurai. Right, well now that I've cleared that up, I have to say I love this movie, even if Mount Fuji makes as many appearances as the Eiffel tower does in every movie to get within 100 miles of Paris. Having said that, during a particularly biblical rainstorm, when I was forced to stay in I ended up watching the movie with the commentary by Edward Zwick. Jesus Wept. How self absorbed is that guy. Fuck me, you'd swear he was there 13th fucking apostle, the sanctimonious prick. Wah Wah Wah, I worked so hard to make this movie. It's your job dickhead, someone paid you a shed load of money to sit around shouting at actors. I swear if he could suck his own dick, he'd swallow.

The break up
Comedy? Or painful reminder of how tedious existence becomes when your still going out with someone whose very hair you despise, a person for whom no traffic accident is too gruesome, but you haven't got the minerals to dump? Show some fucking backbone, for pity's sake.

Anchorman
Hell's fucking teeth. Have we become so jaded that anyone will do for a comedy hero? Are we so desperate for a comedic icon that we'll accept an open mike night runner-up, spoon feeding us 20 year old Monty Python rip offs? Don't get me wrong I got a few chuckles out of it, but for fuck's sake I can get a few chuckles out of the special Olympics too. Particularly the running events for some reason. But I digress. Does anyone remember when we started accepting sub standard comedy as ok? We are now drowning in the shit spewed forth from such hacks as Catherine Tate, those little Britain fucktards and the Hollywood cash cow, Will fucking Ferrel 'comedies'. And we have only ourselves to blame for watching it. For shame.

It may become apparent to some of you, as it did to me, that I have become an embittered old bollox and that I am just incapable of feeling good emotions any more. That's what I thought until I saw...

Clerks II
Could whoever is closest to Kevin Smith, please suck his dick. But tell him it's from me. Thanks.
All I'll say is, if you haven't already, watch this movie. Easily the funniest thing I remember watching.


Uuuuurgh! And I'm spent. Bus fare's on the table baby, beat it.